Wednesday, September 26, 2007

the ongoing struggle for presence of mind

WARNING - I’m feeling deep - if you’re looking for light entertainment - quickly click away! LOL.

One of the biggest ideas in Buddhism is being present in your life - being in the moment and awake to the ‘NOW’ of your life. I wholeheartedly accept and admire this concept - but I tell you - it is such a struggle for me to be this way. In some ways children are great for presence of mind - when Willoughby is absorbed in exploring the garden or making art - I see that he is totally THERE, present in just doing what he’s doing, and it makes me be there along side him.

In other ways, children challenge this presence of mind. Organising children requires a lot of forward thinking, children don’t always do what you want them to do, they are unpredictable and demanding and chaotic.

I’m writing about this today because it’s Wednesday, so we’re halfway through the first week of the school holidays. I had big plans for the holidays. With no Massey work to do for a coupla weeks - I had plans to do lots of gardening, to get into my studio and clean it out and maybe, y’know, make something! There is writing to do. There is snail mail to write and send people...yup - big plans. And fantasies that my kids would be cutely planting strawberry plants and doing paintings around me - the perfect, engaged, wholesome, creative little family. (Are you feeling queasy yet?)

But it’s been raining heavily since Sunday night, and Magnus and I have throat infections so he’s been waking lots meaning we’re both tired and he’s extremely grumpy. No gardening. No studio. No letters. Barely any housework. Basic meals.

I expect too much from my life, I think.

I’m feeling frustrated because the week is not panning out how I’d planned. But what are plans except fantasies which keep us from being present with ourselves and others?

One good constant in my life is my paper journal - I carry it around the house to where ever we’re hanging out and through the days I add bits here and there - little observations, quotations, doodles. It’s a good tool for keeping my eyes open to the stories and drama and beauty in the daily.

“Much of the pain we experience has to do with replaying the events of the past and making up stories about the future. Bring your mind to the present experience of being and you may be able to find some freedom from the regrets of the past and the fear of the future.”
- Noah Levine, Dharma Punx

Anyway, really this is a message to myself to let go of all those expectations and to really be there for the boys today. I might get something else done, I might not - but the important thing is to go to sleep tonight feeling like I am absolutely AWAKE to my life.

I love the title of this post.

Yeah when sick, expect very LITTLE of yourself.

And sometimes, the world disappoints, rather than ourselves.

And keep up those expectations—I mean look at what they produce on a good day.

Enjoy being below par. That’s hard to do when you’re in pain, though, ay? I hope your throat gets better soon . . .

Margi

I reckon Buddhism is great for a monk.  Chilling in his garden, making his tea, having nice early nights etc., I’d totally “be” in those “me” moments too.  I should think a monk would think again about “being” in the moment of wiping a child’s pooey bum, snotty nose or thoroughly experiencing the exploration and testing of boundaries by a pre-schooler.

Hope you are feeling well soon chick.

How does the rain know when it’s school holidays? I only have the first nip of the ringer as far as school holidays go—none of Tallulah’s normal things (music, playgroup) are on because of school holidays and I am going a bit bonkers trying to think of things to entertain her. Yesterday I got the distinct impression I was boring her senseless! Teehee. My friends says expectations are premeditated resentments. I HATE it when she says that. I am in love with order and I am the most un-spontaneous person I know—just ask Maria! All the best for the rest of the week. Love you heaps pipX

Hey, just remember that you’re always doing your best in any given moment, or under any given circumstances!
Go easy with yourself - we do live in crazy, chaotic times and this has an impact on our well-being at times.
It’s nice that you apply buddhism to your life. It’s such a disciplined discipline though and not always applicable to our life styles. Take what you can realistically apply to your life and discard the rest. Go well !!

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