Wednesday, February 20, 2008
::courage / fear::
Last Saturday I read poetry to around 120 people at this event.
Parts of my performance were okay and there were a few things that sucked. I was so nervous I thought I was going to throw up and I worked hard to seem not nervous at all - in fact to seem assured and comfortable and confident. Reading poetry aloud is so weird - it’s such an ‘internal’ genre - but I think hearing poets read their work can really bring the words alive. I know I love to listen to other poets read. I think my attitude is something like- “I’m not the best performer ever - but dammit, I have something to say about the world and so I’m just going to swallow my fears and try to SAY it” in the hope that other geeky, bookish, bedroom-dwellers around me might take heart from my efforts. I do it for the 15 year old me who thought the world was pretty small-minded and ugly.
Anyway - a good experience and I learned heaps from it. I’m loving this song by Bjork at the moment - she sums up well how I feel about performing poetry. When I was younger, I was fearless and shameless and bold - but probably naive and my writing was not so great. Now I am terrified and nervous and scared, but I think my work is better than it was in my twenties. It’s like before I had public courage and personal uncertainty - now I have better personal certainty and less public courage. I’ve swapped. I think that is sort of what Bjork is saying in this song, about life in general.
I love the live at Glastonbury version of the song because of her amazing stage presence and also - I like that weird string. Heh. Here are the lyrics - although they look a little trite written down...but played really loud with that “crunchy” back beat - gorgeous stuff:
I once had no fears
None at all
And then when
I had some
To my surprise
I grew to like both
Scared or brave
Without them
The thrill of fear
Thought I’d never admit it
The thrill of fear
Now greatly enjoyed with courage
When I once was
Untouchable
Innocence roared
Still amazes
When I once was
Innocent
It’s still here
But in different places
Neurosis
Only
Attaches
Itself to
Fertile
Ground
Where it can flourish
The thrill of fear
Thought I’d never admit it
The thrill of fear
Now greatly enjoyed with courage
When I once was
Fearless
Innocence roared
Still amazes
Untouchable
Innocence
It’s still here
But in different places
Fear is a powerful drug
Overcome it and
You think that you can do
Anything!
Should I
Save myself
For later
Or generously give?
Fear of
Losing
Energy
Is draining
It locks up your chest
Shuts down the heart
Miserly
And stingy
Let’s open up : share!
When I once was
Fearless
Innocence roared
Still amazes
Untouchable
Innocence
It’s still here
But in different places.
***
Does any of that make sense - or does this entry go beyond the pale in terms of self-indulgence?
