diving in
Tuesday 29 November, 2005
I had a job interview-ish meeting at a cafe yesterday with a lecturer from Massey about teaching the creative writing part of one of her papers.
The paper explores creative processes, both the theory and also helps students on their own creative journeys and projects. It is an exciting paper - just the sort of thing that makes my heart race...
I've accepted the work, but part of me is terrified! Among other things, I have to give a lecture! I've read poetry, performed spoken word, talked at political events and of course, the most en masse public speaking...I've been a secondary school teacher and university tutor - speaking to literally hundreds of students in a day...but something about the word 'lecture'...lecturers give lectures, don't they? I'm not a lecturer. What the hell do I know about anything?
It's strange, I don't feel particularly academic, even though I have three tertiary qualifications. I'm nervous about having to present myself as some sort of 'expert' when I feel like I'm a fledgling on the creative path myself. But I'm going to do this because it scares me, because it will stretch me and challenge me... because I want to prove to myself that I can.
Maybe my lecture will explore these notions...that as individuals we always feel vulnerable, insecure...but that this shouldn't halt our endeavours...
"Leap, and the net will appear" - is one of my favourite sayings, I'm not sure who first said it...perhaps Carl Jung? or was it Anais Nin? Does anyone know?
Anyway, I'm leaping! Wish me luck.
Posted on 29 November, 2005 | 8:24am | 1 comments |
overactive imagination
Monday 28 November, 2005
In Wellington I walked and walked and walked, pushing Magnus around in the pram, getting him to sleep. On Maria's street I walked past this gate many times.
The gate was always ajar like this, beckoning a visitor in. I always paused to admire the mosaic path and hoping to catch a glimpse of the inhabitant, as surely an artist/eccentric/bohemian person lives here? Maria said the resident's car license plate says 'WITCH'. This house was searingly bright green and fire-engine red in the midst of sedate beige and grey houses. The fence was made from rough wooden sticks and the front of the garden was thick with trees, hiding the house from the street in a mysterious way. On the lamp-post outside the gate, bits of street-gleaned detritus were nailed: hubcaps, tin lids, baby booties...
I had a lot of fun inventing stories about this house. It also made me want to get stuck into some mosaic-work over the summer. We break crockery at an alarming rate in this house, so I have an overflowing box full of pretty, broken cups and plates.
I think if I lived on this street I would have to leave a note in the letter-box, inviting the inhabitants for afternoon tea.
"Curiosity takes me where it takes me. It leads me into the heart of the world."
-Arundhati Roy
Posted on 28 November, 2005 | 8:36am | 1 comments |
travel expands the mind...
Sunday 27 November, 2005
...even if you only go a little southwards.
I was feeling physically washed out and spiritually blah when I left and I came back brimming over with energy and busy thoughts - thanks to delightful friends and crazy, busy Wellington.
What I learned on this trip:
-I am pretty easy to please and basically a tranquil kind of person
-travelling is like a secret journey into yourself
-being away from home makes it easier to take afternoon naps - there isn't the voices of my 10, 000 tasks and projects chanting my name!
-exploring my friends' bookshelves is one of the treats of staying in their homes (I read Marjane Satrapi, Arundhati Roy's non-fiction and Harvey Pekar - all 100% fabulous.)
-also, having a break from being responsible for meals is nice
-I am not doing enough to save the world and have come home fuelled and fizzed up to be more politically active
-American Splendor, the comic, is even better than American Splendor, the movie
-I miss living by the sea
-I like walking up big hills
-I liked having my plate warmed before meals
-I'm going to start calling records 'sides' like Harvey Pekar does
-and lastly, the best part about travelling is coming home to my luscious wee life, my beautiful boys, my army hut, my rose bushes, my herbal tea collection, my music...my nook and my cranny!
As American Splendor's Harvey Pekar puts it so optimistically:
"I'm pretty far from having it made, but I ain't dead yet".
(For some reason this cracks me up big-time.)
I've got so much to do (freeze my excess spinach, free Tibet, wrap Christmas presents, finish my novel, make lemon cordial, start a community garden, learn to play guitar, sort my linen cupboard, establish a local Activist/Mothers group, bake ANZAC biscuits for the school bake sale ..etc...) and it feels great. Can I do it all? Of course not! Does imagining that I can, help me?
Abso-freakin'-lutely.
Posted on 27 November, 2005 | 6:43pm | 0 comments |
with baby on board, no zen
Wednesday 16 November, 2005
Its finalised! I'm off to Wellington for a spell (on the train, not a plane...but this picture seemed apt nonethleless). I'm going to have a luxuriously long dinner with Delightful Drew (my oldest friend), some time with Sweet Sarah and her lovely wee family and meet and hang out with my new unofficial neice, Abigail Anna Magnolia.
(My apologies in advance to my other Welly friends, in case I don't get in touch when I'm down. I really want to have QT with the people I'm staying with, and also try to relax and have a good rest so I've purposefully not booked myself lots of dates. I love you all and will see you soon, if not this trip.)
So I've been thinking about how I can 'zen-pack' for the time away. I pride myself on being able to pack in a minimalist way. This means I can travel lightly, effeciently and make a quick getaway! tee hee...but I'm taking Magnus, so no zen packing for me.
Even if I packed just one spare pair of jeans, my eft-pos card and my toothbrush...a ten month old baby needs: car-seat, pram, sleepysack, many clothes (because of dribble, food spills, upchucks, crawling into dirt patches etc), nappies, wipes, special food, a snack pack for outings, a couple of toys, blanket...the list goes on. Intrepid travel it isn't!
So I'll spend most of today packing, unpacking and repacking bags, trying to get the balance right. I'll probably have to wear the same outfit all of my trip - but Magnus comes first, right? MMmmm, or maybe I could sacrifice his raincoat and special blanky for one floor-length cocktail frock with train and bustle, and one copy of 'War and Peace' to read on the train?
Posted on 16 November, 2005 | 6:59am | 3 comments |
where is that sparkly girl?
Tuesday 15 November, 2005
I'm longing for a bit of glamour. I've been a bit under the weather in various forms (which I won't bore you with) for the last three weeks. I'm feeling a bit 'dish-rag' like - grey, washed-out.
Before kids I owned 15 tubes of lipstick, all different shades of red and browny red. I had eye-shadows in shades of silver and gold and shiny green and several brownish/natural ones. I wore glitter in my hair, sometimes on my face, often on my lips.
I had a chunky plastic ring collection and wore a different colour each day. I had peroxide blonde hair for a while, bright red hair for a while, baby pink hair for a while.
I had an vast and varied hair-clip collection...butterflies, stars, fruit, diamantes...
I wore silly things - like 1950s bib aprons as tunics over jeans, knitted pirate finger-puppets as brooches, a red polkadot sundress, I wore lime green floor-length 70s bridemaid frocks to parties, an orange tutu under my skirts...
These days its jeans, jeans, jeans and indian cotton tops a la boring hippy mama.
Where did the daring go? the sparkle? the lack of fear to look like a goon? today I'm feeling a bit sad about all this stuff...it happened slowly, bit by bit. It's like I've woken up and found myself old.
Now I have one brown eye pencil and one lipstick. I gave my sillier hair-clips to the teenage daughters of a friend, in a fit of "I must grow up and act my age". At the moment, my hair is the most appalling shade of mouse-fur - sort of greyish/brownish/blah.
I need a bit a sparkle, a bit of lush.
I'm going to start with some blonde patches in my hair. Yep, patches, not streaks. I kinda want a punkish tortiseshell cat effect. Ratty, but in a good way.
I'm going to dust off my shiny, pretty clothes...my chinese satin dress, my sari-fabric skirt, my crushed satin designer tunic...wholly impractical for the business of mothering...and let them get besmurched with baby snot and marmitey hands.
And next time I'm in town, I'm going to dedicate half an hour to finding a lush, red lipstick.
Posted on 15 November, 2005 | 8:12am | 1 comments |
how it all falls
Friday 11 November, 2005
I'm feeling lousy. After a week of juggling too much, working too hard, burning the candle at both ends and ending with a dental appointment to have a tooth pulled (oh joy of joys) I feel tired, washed out, grey, sore-mouthed and I've caught the kids' cold.
But...yesterday, I sent off the last of my paid work for the year. The weekend stretches ahead with nothing on the horizon and that feels pretty lush.
I've been struggling a bit lately, with wondering what the reason for existence of this blog is...
Here is what I'm wondering, and it would be great if you could give me some feedback. (I know there are readers out there from my site statistics - even if you're a bit shy! :))
-when I initially planned my blog, I called it a 'studio' because I thought it was going to be a place where people dropped in to do interactive things and to find lush inspiration for their own creativity...
-as well as hoping to inspire others, I wanted my posts to be as honest as I could stand. My model for this was the wonderful, neurotic, funny, frank writer Anne Lammott. Her book 'Operating Instructions' saved my life when I had my first child. Hence the posts about feeling stressed, blah, a bad mother etc...
-I have many sites that I visit each day, and most of them are constantly and admirably UPBEAT, sunny, positive...and that is why I drop in...they inspire, enlighten, refresh...
-which brings me to question one: do people want to read the 'negative' stuff? The blah days? The inner-dilemmas? The neurotic wranglings? OR
-is that stuff best left in my paper journal? should my blog be a constant ray of sunshine, rather than whatever the weather?
-I noodle around with crafty stuff, but I'm not a hardcore craftster. I'm a political person...but 'politics' (in terms of wordly activism - I hasten to comment that I think the personal is political, that every choice we make in our lives has political ramifications...) is not what consumes me at the moment. I'm a mother, but sometimes I want to write about stuff other than parenting - sometimes my blog is a reminder of the non-Mama parts of me. I'm a writer, but writing about writing kills the act of writing! So what is the 'focus' of my blog...do I need one?
-the site hasn't (yet) matched my vision. It isn't interactive (apart from comments). I don't update the other pages enough. I haven't developed the features that I wrote in my site plan. I've done what I could cope with in the first year of having a new baby, and learning to be a mother of two...
-where to from here?
-I would really love it if you could tell me what you look for in a daily read...which 'type' of posts you like the best...what YOU think makes a blog inviting and enriching and satisfying...
-and TELL ME if I should be leaving the kvetching in my paper journal...I'm really not sure about this part...
Knowing there are 'listening ears' out there has been a huge saving grace to me in this challenging, rewarding, messy year I've had. Thanks for dropping by, beautiful people.
Posted on 11 November, 2005 | 6:57am | 10 comments |
amen to that
Wednesday 9 November, 2005
Building site, Cuba Street, Wellington.
Posted on 09 November, 2005 | 7:08am | 0 comments |
still going
Tuesday 8 November, 2005
Work through the background noise of yelling kids and the Thomas the Tank Engine show, work through the heat, inside on the hottest day this spring, work through the dehydration - concentrating too hard to go get water. Ignore the tsunami of mess roaring around you, ignore your aching butt and your hard-wired instinct to start cooking dinner at 4.30 p.m. Ignore your yearning for rest, for refueling, for time for yourself. Try not to resent the kids, the house, your work, your duties...these are all blessings...its just that today they are heavily disguised.
Boil over with it. Walk away from the kids who are driving you nuts even though their only crime is just being kids. Walk outside looking for an anchor. Stand in the garden. Take some deep breaths. Stretch your arms over your head and unknot the tension in your back. Feel the hot grass under your bare feet. Watch the blackbirds eating the porridge you flung on the lawn after breakfast. Pick a bunch of parsley. Spot a perfect yellow rose.
Another deep breath. Blood is returning to your brain. Laugh at your own drama queen tendencies.
Back inside to the untidy, rowdy, chaotic gift that is your life right now.
Posted on 08 November, 2005 | 8:14am | 1 comments |
end in sight
Monday 7 November, 2005
Sometimes when I supposed to be marking I cover my notes sheet with one-line face doodles instead. Can I draw a face without taking my pen off the page and have it still look like a face?
I've been working around the clock lately on my last round of marking for the papers I tutor. It is the last for the year and then I'm free for the summer! (Also financially poor for the summer, but hell, money ain't everything.)
I feel like that part of labour where the baby is almost out and you feel like you've used every iota of strength you possess and yet everyone is telling you you have to push a bit more.
PUSH! PUSH! grunt...go, Helen. One more day of staying inside while the sun shines...of squinting at the computer...of semi-ignoring my children beyond meeting their basic needs...of eating too many refined carbs (toast, crackers...more toast) and grappling with having to fail students who I have grown to know and like over the year...sheesh...
I can do this, right?
Posted on 07 November, 2005 | 7:40am | 2 comments |
damned good question
Sunday 6 November, 2005
Now that the stripy sock photo competition showcase is over, I want to share some images with you over the next wee while of my growing collection of pictures of graffitti and street art. This one is in Mount Victoria in Wellington.
I love these art forms, particularly when they are political or witty. I had a ball last time I was in Wellington, taking shots, because it seemed to be everywhere I looked! Every street, alleyway, wall...lots of 'modification' of advertising billboards and cool two-colour stencils. There is a lot more appearing around Palmerston North, too. I saw a great one just this morning of a 1950s woman screaming at the sight of a sewer rat - I'll have to go back with my camera and snap it sometime soon.
A cute anecdote about some street art, is that when I was doing my writing diploma, I wrote a short story about a young woman desperately unhappy in her day-job who goes for a walk in her lunch-hour and notices under her feet on the footpath a stenciled graffitti that says "Imagine Being Free". She takes this as a portent and decides to leave her job. This graffitti existed - I'd spotted it on Lambton Quay.
Anyway, we had to read our work aloud in groups of three. When I got to that part of the story, my classmate flushed a deep shade of red and blurted out: "That was me! I did that!" It was his stencil!
Now, what are the odds of that? We were both pretty thrilled. Him - knowing that his street art was being noticed and absorbed. Me - to meet a street artist, and solve the mystery of 'what sort of person' makes this wonderful art.
Imagine being free. Imagine making your own message to the world...what would you say?
Posted on 06 November, 2005 | 9:23am | 2 comments |
begin it now
Wednesday 2 November, 2005
I'm not sure exactly what the quotation in this wee collage means - it came from an absurdist pamphlet - but it sounds like good advice...
I interpret it as "follow your gut/heart and do what you gotta do before your brain tries to talk you out of it."
And while you're NOT waiting for yourself, be sure to run four blocks ahead wearing blue gumboots and the brightest stripy socks possible!
Posted on 02 November, 2005 | 8:23am | 0 comments |
the way of the chickpea
Tuesday 1 November, 2005
Look at that! Jo's stripy socks are feral! That pink and black sock looks very happy up in the trees, doesn't it? Jo's sock picture marks the end of the competition showcase! Thanks once more to all who entered...my gallery will soon be relaunched looking fat and beautiful and full of stripy socks from around the world. I can't thank you enough.
***
Has anyone ever encountered a bad batch of chickpeas? I bought some chickpeas from the local Asian food warehouse. Last time I tried to cook them, they seemed to be taking a long time to cook but I was busy doing ten million things so left them to it...and then they boiled dry and burned a pot beyond recognition and I spent half an hour with sugar soup and a steelo pad getting my pot back from the brink of oblivion and getting cussed out by Fraser...
I put it down to harried mother absent-mindedness...BUT!
Attempt two at cooking the evil chickpeas...I soaked them for TWO nights, instead of one...changing the water three times. Then when I put them on to boil today, I made a careful note of the time (12 noon) and then returned at 15 minute intervals to stir and add more water...
it is now 2.15pm and the little blighters are still as hard as rocks...completely inedible! Totally weird! I've been cooking chickpeas for over a decade now and have never struck this before. Has anyone else ever had this happen? I'm going to have to biff them out, rethink dinner and throw away the remaining two kilos worth in the cupboard...BAAH!
Tinned chickpeas have never looked so good!
Posted on 01 November, 2005 | 1:06pm | 1 comments |
new favourite quotation
Tuesday 1 November, 2005
"You will do foolish things, but do them with enthusiasm."
-Colette
Posted on 01 November, 2005 | 6:58am | 0 comments |
or perhaps pilates?
Monday 31 October, 2005
Here is Amy and her wee stripy socked child.
***
This morning from Willoughby:
"Mum, did you know 'ogre' rhymes with 'yoga'?"
"So it does, Willo."
"Mum, Shrek is an ogre."
"Yep, he is, Willo."
"Mum, why is Shrek an ogre?"
"I don't know, Willoughby, I guess that is how he was born, just like you were born a boy."
"Mum, are me and Magnus twins?"
"No, darling, there's four years between the two of you. Twins are born at the same time."
"Did you not want us to be twins?"
"I didn't get to choose. That's just how you both happened."
(long pause while he processes the conversation)
"Mum, do ogres do yoga?"
Posted on 31 October, 2005 | 8:45am | 2 comments |