<< four hours driving for a bit of a boogie | WEBLOG | >>
swan song
Saturday 3 June, 2006
Well, the party was really something. Sarah was the supreme hostess and there were drinks aplenty, coloured lights in the garden and divine food (not that I ate any - see yesterdays post!)
I had one of those rare, transformative sort of nights, which kind of felt like the apex of something...and the end of something...and the beginning of something else. It could have been residual frailty and low-blood sugar from my illness, but I felt like I could see with extreme, clinical clarity. It was kinda scary.
The best bit was the crazy drive! - down there, all hyped on coffee and excitement. Playing music real loud. Chatting to my boy. No kids, no worries for a few hours...just the pretty night lights and the road and us and the way Wellington harbour looks when you turn out of the gorge and first clap eyes on it - so beautiful...and later, the ride home - windows wound down to keep us awake, more blaring music, I cried quite a lot in a carthartic, good way and more great chats. A feeling of clarity. Decisions made. Resolutions, too.
I've decided to stop my blog.
Lots of things have been nudging me in this direction over the past few months. I've had a very strange few months. (If anyone knows tarot, all I can say is - the tower card!) Hormonal mayhem, some major inward searching, facing up to some bald truths about myself and the way I am in the world...all that stuff that goes on once in a while.
This blog has been so so valuable for me - especially when I first started it when Magnus was just two months old and I needed a way to keep writing each day that was fast and easy. Especially since so many wonderful people have left comments and sent emails in response to stuff I've written - and I really value that interaction. Thank you all so much! You don't know how much you all really saved my life at times! :)
I've learned heaps about you and about me and about my take on life.
Still, I'm done with participating in cyberworld for now. I just deleted my Flickr account with the press of a button and it felt...incredibly freeing! Now I'm giving you all big goodbye hugs and kisses via cables and pixels and this feels a lot harder and stranger, but also good.
To quote Morrissey:
"Since the age of seven or eight I was certainly hatching something and I always felt in my own misguided way like a little work of art. I was very determined, and I knew whatever it was it would never be conventional. And that led me here. I could never pretend to be one of a gang because I wasn't and I didn't want to be. Whenever I got knocked back and someone said "forget it, you idiot" it just made me more determined because I knew, deep down, that I was reasonably glamorous, even if no one else could see it."
I find that mixture of delusion and self-belief very familiar and also comforting. I got work to do and I need to be getting on with it.
Yeah.
Thanks again to all the lushies and lovelies who ever left a comment or wrote an email. You are all wonderful, warm people and I value what you gave me.
Thanks especially to my "everyday people": Melissa, Rhiannon, Rachael, Sarah, Lisa, Bronya, Kirsten.
Thanks to my sweet Fraser - for all of the techie work, effort and love.
And to my Moon-River Man:
You were brutal, but I needed it. (You got some of the details wrong, like that old Palmerston North rant of yours - but the other stuff you said - yeah, yep and OK.) You took me from the shallows where I was floundering and threw me back into the icy depths where I do so much better. Thank you.
So lovely, readers of SSS, goodbye for now.
Unending thanks,
xxxxxx Helen xxxxxxxx
posted by Helen on 03 June, 2006 | 1:53pm
COMMENTS
... am awfully sorry for myself as SSS has been a bright spot of my days of new and near new motherhood - wish you all the best for your new activities and thank you soooo much for all the awesome posts and photos and inspiration. Catch up with you soon in the real world. Love you lots pipXX
Posted by pip on 03 June, 2006 | 5:59pm
oh nooo! I will miss you!
Posted by melissa on 03 June, 2006 | 8:06pm
I haven't been reading for long but I will miss your blog. Good luck to you and I hope you achieve everything you're trying to do.
Posted by Anna on 03 June, 2006 | 9:17pm
I would drop to the floor and yell NOOO...! in a fashion reminicent of Streetcar Named Desire, but if this is what's best for you, then I'm glad. However, you should know how much I appreciated reading your blog everyday. You're so human, I found it inspiring. Not to mention how cool your contest was. But I guess all good things have endings, so best of luck from across the world. You Rock!
-marianne
Posted by curli on 04 June, 2006 | 1:08am
I'll miss your outfits of Flickr terribly! Best, best wishes to you in your un-cyber, uh, real life!
Posted by Brandy on 05 June, 2006 | 8:59am
Hey you've gotta do what you've gotta do-fear of the time 'suck' is partially why I keep putting off starting up my own blog...I already spend way too much time reading other peoples!?
I appreciate your clarity in your writing and also for being an NZer in this medium which is hard to find.
I wish you all the best in pursuing your writing.
Maybe we will see you emerge in another 'form' elsewhere I certainly hope so!
Michal
Posted by Michal on 05 June, 2006 | 12:37pm
Aw, and I just found you today and all! But then, what clearer message could there be to tell me to get my own 'house in order'.
I've been reading your blog today, and loving it, and since i'm always late to the party it feels so fitting.
I hope you find more space for yourself now, more time, more harmony, less shouty, more calm more SLEEP and more stretch.
From a 33 year old, crafting mother of two in New Zealand, who needs to spend more time DOING and less time READING :o)
xxx
Posted by Steph on 05 June, 2006 | 1:14pm
Bugger! I'm going to miss checking in to your blog Helen. If all good things must come to an end, then good things must also come to those who wait - I'm already looking forward to reading more from you in other media that you'll now have time for - I'm guessing that is the plan? Thanks so much for providing such a brilliant escape into someone else's life, and such a good example to follow in terms of creativity. Cheers, and I'll hopefully see you at a clothes swap sometime......Kirsten
Posted by kirsten on 05 June, 2006 | 3:47pm
Well, I go off for a week and come back to find you will not be here anymore...I had really hoped to send you a package, to the far away place called New Zealand that seems like just a fairytale story my grandfather told us about (he was stationed on some sort of ship in the ocean or sea or whatever near NZ as a doctor during WWII)...it's all or nothing for you in bloggin, eh? I am quite sad. You are creative and interesting and I like your style. I will someday figure out how to post a photo to prove we are sort of twins. But you may not ever see it....or this? Ah, I will miss checking in with you, interesting lady! Rock on! If you ever DO want a package of rock and roll and fabric from Texas, email and let me know for I know so few who love "real" mail and I learned, through your site, there are really others in the world who DO like mail and sewing and thrifting and fabric and stitching and tea and coffee and babies and flowers and observing this fleeting thing we experience as "life"....best to you and yours.
Most fondly and sad,
Kerri
Posted by kerri on 07 June, 2006 | 9:22am
i understand the clarity but i hope to keep in touch with you...could i trouble you for an addy? maybe i can send you a letter and then someday we could be friends...in real life?
Posted by jek on 08 June, 2006 | 1:52pm
Aw, shucks. Best wishes on your departure from the 'net. Will miss your remix photos on flickr!
Posted by madam0wl on 08 June, 2006 | 3:27pm
oh I will miss you!!
all the very best- i love hearing about transformative moments- good for you and up up and away!
xoxox
tania
Posted by tania on 09 June, 2006 | 9:27am
And I've only just found you!! I'm a generation older than you and went looking for a gumboot poem. Found your amazing son's effort and was hooked.
I'd read about blogs, but had never come across one. You write very well, I hope you have another outlet...maybe I'll read your future observations in a newspaper column?
All the best for your new directions, wherever they take you.
Posted by Rosemary on 10 June, 2006 | 12:45pm
Dearest Sister
We are coming up to Matariki, the Maori New Year so this site dissolution is fitting. You are making the right decision.
I look forward to keeping in touch via other means. I have just booked a Turangi Holiday home for Christmas so theres something and remeber next month, mi casa tu casa.
Love Us.
Posted by Lisa and Johnny on 10 June, 2006 | 4:06pm
Ah, I'll miss you. I haven't been able to check in for awhile and now here I find you've gone. Take care.
Posted by tina on 11 July, 2006 | 4:30pm
Weep, weep You will be missed.
Posted by Meredith on 15 October, 2006 | 12:24pm
Back to WEBLOG
Post a comment
